


Choices

by smilesyoufake13



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/F, Femslash, Fluff, FxF, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Lesbian, Past Abortion, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Gambling/Gambling Addiction, Possible smut, Rolivia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-07-20 21:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16146053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilesyoufake13/pseuds/smilesyoufake13
Summary: After Olivia's revelation in the break room, Amanda contemplates the possible consequences of the life- changing decision she's about to make, and is left with burning questions about her Lieutenant's past.Takes place directly after the conclusion of Season 20 episode 1/2 ('Man Up/ Man Down'). Just my ideas about what might be revealed later in the season, posted just in time for episode two (although I'm probably very wrong)~Warning~ this story discusses abortion and references a past abortion, through a kind of pro choice lens. If that would trigger you or annoy you in any way, please don't read this- I'd welcome an open discussion but I don't want any hate and I definitely don't want to trigger anyone with past trauma surrounding abortion.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for any mistakes or stylistic errors I might make- this is the first fanfic I have ever posted or shared with anyone (although I have a sizeable collection in notebooks that I keep to myself) so I really have no idea what I'm doing. If anyone is actually reading this, some feedback would be very welcome!
> 
> I'm also not used to writing shorts like this- I prefer slow burns, but I was too intrigued by the storyline in this episode not to write something down. I'm obviously having to trot this out very quickly in time for next week's episode in case this storyline is developed further (I very much hope it is!) so I'm sorry if it's terrible- I'm usually far more meticulous about planning and editing things.
> 
> Also I'm from Britain -which you can probably already tell from my turn of phrase and my vocabulary- so I'll be using British English spellings of words like 'colour' etc. (Dreadfully sorry about that, chaps). It also means I swear a fair bit. Just a heads up.
> 
> I also apologise in advance for any typos- I'm writing this on my iPad with no keyboard. 
> 
> I feel like this introduction is already far too long, so without further ado, here is my attempt. I hope you enjoy it :)

 

 

 Amanda's POV

My mind is racing as I exit the squadroom. As if I hadn't had enough to think about before today, the universe has once again saddled my hormonal, pregnant ass with more information than it wants, or needs, to handle.

It's bad enough that I'm pregnant again. Bad enough that it's by a lying, cheating asshole who'll flirt with any woman if she so much as blinks at him. Bad enough that I'm tired, and I'm overworked, and I'm stressed, and just about ready to die. Bad enough that I'm contemplating making a decision that goes against one of my most deeply held convictions. I've always taken for granted a woman's right to choose what she does with her baby; her body, her life, her choice. End of story. But I've always taken one fact equally for granted: the fact that, if faced with the decision, I myself would never ever, not even for the briefest of moments, consider killing my child. My unborn life. My baby. My choice. End of story.

But I am- I'm contemplating the uncontemplatable, the inconceivable. I'm considering doing something that would make me a pariah if I were back in Georgia, something so casually discussed here in New York. Something that I'm not sure I'll be able to live with myself for doing.

I think it's fair to say that I already have enough on my plate. And I don't think I can cope with any of it. I was already at breaking point.

And now this. 

I'm not entirely sure what to make of Olivia's revelation- to be frank, I'm not even sure what 'this revelation' is. One of the most infuriating things about my boss is her inscrutability- so valuable when she's interrogating perps, so fucking annoying when she's just being Liv. I'm honestly not sure what she was specifically trying to imply -whether she's had an abortion or knows someone who has, or is just guessing- and I'm not even sure if I care. I don't even know how I feel about her putting her foot in it in the first place. 

I stop myself mid- thought. Of course I appreciate Olivia's help. She was delicate and gentle and she didn't judge me, and she didn't push any of her opinions on me. I needed her help, and I showed her I wanted it, and she gave it to me. I can't blame her for anything. I only have myself to blame for any of this- for having sex with someone I knew was a dick just because I needed a shag and I knew he wouldn't turn me down. For not bothering to ask him to use a condom. And for not being able to _fucking think straight._

What I need is a drink. 

What I really need is a glass or five of cheap whiskey and a cigarette and a game of poker. Or blackjack. Or roulette. Or even fucking go fish. I need to gamble. I need the buzz, the release, the feeling of control that I get when I win. The illusion I get that I can control my own destiny. Or when I lose, the reckless feeling of spending money I don't have. The feeling that even though I've relinquished control, it doesn't matter, because I don't have to care. I don't have to be responsible- at least not while there's liquor in my glass and chips in my hand. 

I stop dead in my tracks, right in the middle of the street. 

No. I can't do this. Not now. Not after what happened last time Not now I'm finally rid of my demons, now I can finally go days, sometimes weeks, without even thinking of gambling. Not now I have Jesse to think about. And this new one, the one I'm not even sure I have the strength to keep yet. I have too much to lose.

I take a deep breath. I can feel myself shake as I struggle to retain control of my body. I can feel myself falling apart. 

I don't want to have a breakdown in the middle of the street. I manage to pull myself together enough to slip into a nearby coffee shop. I head straight for the restroom, and, locking myself in the nearest stall, I begin to cry quietly into my folded arms. 

I've needed to do this all day. 

This case, this kid, this family, have all really fucked me up. If this is what happens when a messed up parent tries to raise a kid, what the fuck have I done to Jesse? What could I be about to do to this new one, if I choose to keep it? And should I keep it? Wouldn't it be kinder, after all, to kill my child than to drag another life, kicking and screaming, into this cruel world? 

I sit with my racing thoughts and my tears and my self pity for far longer than is decent, considering I'm occupying a public restroom in a busy coffee shop. Still, I remain uninterrupted until I'm finished and ready to face the world- I'm red-eyed and puffy faced, but feeling all the better for it. I'm grateful that I've been allowed to have this moment, the catharsis of my own tears, in peace. Along with the release of my mounting stress, the temptation to gamble has all but been suppressed, and it is with renewed willpower that I re emerge into the hustle and bustle that is New York City

I look around me, temporarily disoriented as I leave the coffee shop. I'm not in my neighbourhood, and I don't immediately recognise the buildings around me as I cast around for a familiar landmark. Then I realise. I'm about a block away from Olivia's apartment. I've been walking here without even realising, as if my subconscious knows exactly what I need. I think she may just be right. I need Olivia.

I pull out my phone as I continue to walk. I send a text message to Carisi asking him to relieve Jesse's sitter. I know he won't ask questions. He'll do this favour for me and for Jesse, because he cares for us both in a way that I'll never be able to reciprocate. I feel terrible for exploiting him, and most of all for leaving my daughter without me for longer than is necessary, but I force the guilty thoughts from my mind. I can deal with that later. For now I have myself to focus on, and then and only then will I be of any use to my daughter. Jesse is better off with no mother than one who is so fucked up that she's seriously contemplating murdering her unborn baby. I hesitate, heart in my throat, finger hovering over Olivia's contact on the glowing screen in my palm. I'm now right outside her apartment building, looking up at the imposing construction towering above me. With a deep breath, I begin typing.

_~ are you at home? ~_

The reply is immediate.

_~ Yes. Do you need me for a case? I'll need to call Lucy but I can be there in 20~_

I take a deep breath

_~ No case, Liv. I'm outside. I need you. Can I come in? Please?~_

I wait with bated breath for her reply. I'm aware how stalkerish I sound, and I can only pray to God she doesn't tell me to fuck off. I don't know what I'll do if she does. 

I'm wrenched from my thoughts by the sound of the door in front of me opening. A worried looking Olivia steps out of the building and walks the few steps to where I'm standing. 

'Amanda? Are you okay?' She asks. I bite my lip and nod.

'I need to talk to you. Please?' I say, avoiding her worried brown eyes. Now that I'm here with her, I'm reminded of how intoxicating she is. Her warmth, her smell, her aura. She is so infuriatingly impossible to be around. Olivia takes one of my hands, and I flinch slightly at the unexpected contact. She always manages to do this. To set every one of my nerves jangling. To make me feel so safe and yet so unsure at the same time. 

'Amanda,' she says, softly, as my mind whirls. 'Why don't you come up with me, okay?'

I nod dazedly, and let Olivia guide me into the building. The elevator journey is short but torturous- I can feel Olivia’s worried eyes on me as we ascend, but I fix my gaze decidedly on the floor in front of me as I strain to hold myself together. It wouldn’t do to come apart now, and if I allow myself to meet her honey brown gaze, I might just crumble. It’s a relief when we finally reach Olivia’s floor and get out. She lets us in and guides me towards the sofa. I sink down gratefully into the soft cushions, and Olivia settles herself next to me, a careful distance away.

‘Do you want to tell me what this is about?’ she asks.

‘I’m not really sure’ I mutter, voice dry. Now that I’m here, with her, my mind has gone completely blank. I don’t know why I wanted to come here. I have no idea what I want from her. All I know is that a few minutes in Liv's presence has soothed my rattling nerves. I'm finally able to breathe again. Olivia is still looking at me patiently, waiting for me to gather my thoughts. 

'I have no idea what to do.' I whisper finally. 'I need your help, Liv. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.'

Olivia's eyes fall to where my hand is resting absentmindedly on my stomach.

'About your pregnancy?' She asks quietly. I close my eyes and nod, balling my hand up into a fist and pushing it, first gently, then increasingly harder into my rounding belly. It's as if I want to crush the little life inside. 'Careful', Liv says. Gently but firmly, she grasps my hand and guides it away, safely away from my unborn child until she's holding it by my side. She gives it a gentle squeeze, and we lapse into a comfortable silence. I know Liv will wait patiently until I feel ready to open up.

'Do you think it would be kinder?' I ask, suddenly. 

'What do you mean?' Liv frowns

'For this baby, I mean. Do you think it would be kinder for me to just... kill it?'

Olivia’s eyes meet mine, sharply. 'No, Amanda. Of course not.’ She pauses, all the while holding my gaze with her intense brown stare. ‘It’s important that you never start thinking like that. You’re a great mom, Amanda, and you already have a beautiful, radiant, happy kid. You have done a brilliant job of raising Jesse, and if you do choose to have this baby, I know that you will do everything in your power to make its life a happy one. Granted, there are things that happen are beyond your control, beyond anyone's control. I can't promise you what will happen to your baby. But what I do know that your baby will be happy. It will have a good life, I’m sure of it.' She smiles and laces headed hand on my shoulder. 'You'll make sure of that.'

'What about Sam?' I ask, referencing our latest case. ‘He was raped by his father for his entire life, and now he’s gonna spend the rest of his life in jail, because he murdered two of his classmates. His life has never been and never will be worth living. And if he’s never been born those two children- those two, little, innocent children, would still be alive, happy, with their families, and the world would be all the better for it.' Olivia looks at me strangely.

‘That’s... quite an extreme example, Amanda. Is that why you don’t want to have the baby? Because you’re worried it will become a murderer?’ Olivia is looking distinctly concerned now. ‘I really don’t think you have to worry about that, honey. Like you say, Sam was raped, constantly, by his father, as a form of punishment for not being man enough- that’s what pushed him over the edge. Not his birth. And I doubt you plan on raping your children, Amanda.'

‘Of course not,’ I say. ‘It’s just- God, I don’t even know how to articulate it- but you're a mother Olivia. Surely you understand.’ When Olivia nods, I continue. 'It’s just- terrifying, so terrifying, all of the time. Like, what if I can’t raise this kid well enough? Or what if it gets kidnapped and raped and murdered, or gets an awful disease, or gets depressed and kills itself? Or what if it’s just born evil? Some babies are like that. Jesse seems to have turned out okay, but at least Jesse has good genes on her father’s side. This one will have a hot mess for a mother and the absolute scum of the earth for a father.’

Olivia looks me steadily in the eye. ‘I cannot believe, Amanda Rollins, that you are trying to pull this shit on me of all people. You know that my father was a rapist. And that my mother was an abusive drunk, not that I blame her exactly,’ she says, lightly, ‘and I like to think that I turned out okay.' She half smiles, oddly, and although her voice is perfectly calm, I can tell that, under her facade, she's affected by my thoughtless remark.

I feel terrible. I know about Liv's past, about her struggle with her identity, with her violent conception and with discovering what that meant, how it shaped her as a human. I know she's struggled hard, harder than she's ever let on to anyone.

‘I’m sorry, Liv.’ I say. To my mortification, I start to well up. I seem to be crying at anything recently. ‘I shouldn’t have said that to you. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and you’re just trying to help me and you’ve let me into my home and I am _so sorry_.’ Despite my best efforts to keep them at bay, my tears are beginning to flow thick and fast. I lean into Olivia, needing her warmth and her comfort, and she pulls me in close. I bury my face in her chest and let is woman comfort me until I’ve finished crying.

It’s a while before I feel like I can resurface. I pull away from Olivia and sink back into her sofa cushion, wiping my eyes with one hand. ‘Thank you, Olivia.’ I say croakily. 'I'm sorry for crying on you. God, why do I keep doing that? I know what you must think of me, I’m just so -all over the place right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’ I realise I’m babbling, and trail off. ‘I really am sorry for what I said.’ I say, earnestly. ‘I didn’t think.'

‘It’s fine, honey. I wasn’t offended. Just trying to illustrate a point.'

‘You smell really good.’ I say, randomly. Immediately, I regret opening my mouth. I flush with embarrassment and bury my face in my hands. ‘Sorry!’ I blurt, ‘I have no idea why I said that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it's like my brain is everywhere at the moment.'

Olivia chuckles. ‘It’s okay, Amanda. I’m flattered’

‘I’m sorry.’ I repeat

‘No need,’ she smiles. ‘Trust me, I am chalking all of this up to pregnancy hormones. And I can imagine you're under a considerable amount of stress.’ 

 _Of course. That's why you've been feeling so untethered. You're not crazy. Just pregnant. Hormones and stress. Duh_.

A sudden thought registers in my head, and I blurt it out without thinking. Hormones and stress.

‘Is that why you don’t want me to have an abortion? Because your mom could have aborted you?'

Liv sighs. ‘I don’t necessarily not want you to have an abortion, Amanda. I just don’t want you to be unhappy with yourself. I want you to consider everything thoroughly before you make your decision. Whatever you choice you make, I will support you wholeheartedly. I just hope you won’t regret it.'

‘You didn’t answer my question.'

‘I don’t want to say anything that will unduly influence you.' Olivia says vaguely. I snort, annoyed.

‘It’s a bit late for that, Liv. Don’t tell me if you don’t want to tell me, but don’t make half- assed excuses.’ Olivia shifts uncomfortably. A haunted look flickers across her face, and I can tell I’ve affected her. I soften. ‘I’m sorry Liv. You don’t have to tell me.’ I squeeze her arm. ‘It’s okay.' Olivia looks at me. She really looks at me, and then she shakes her head.

‘No. You know what? I want to tell you. I need to tell you. I think it’s time I got this off my chest. Or at least, some of it.’ Olivia looks down, and I shift so I can wrap one arm around her shoulder. She takes a deep breath, and I can feel her composing herself. She closes her eyes. 'I've never told anyone this before. Ever.' She shakes her head nervously, then exhales.' When I was 17, I got pregnant. And I got an abortion. And to this day, I regret having it.’ She breathes. ‘I’ve never told anyone that,’ she laughs shakily. I'm silent. I don't know what to say. Olivia continues.

'You know, the weirdest thing is that if I hadn’t had it, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I wouldn’t be a cop, I wouldn’t ever have met you, or the squad, or Elliot or David or Brian or Tucker or any of the people who mean or have meant so much to me. I mean, I would never have met Noah, and God only knows where he would be now if I hadn’t found him. God knows where _I_ would be now if I hadn’t found him. My son means the world to me, and I would never change him for the world, but I still regret it, every passing day. There’s not a night that goes by that I don’t think of her before I go to sleep. My little girl. My Amanda.’ I look up at her in surprise, and she smiles. ‘That’s what I would have called her. It’s one of the reasons I was such a bitch to you when you first joined.’ I have no idea what to reply to this, so of course I ask the stupidest most irrelevant question possible.

‘You knew the gender?’ I ask. She nods.

‘I was about 20 weeks along when I had it done. I delayed and deliberated for weeks- it wasn't decision I made lightly, even at that age, in that mindset. I specifically asked to know the gender at the scan. To try and make it harder for myself.' Her voice has acquired a distant air to it now, almost as if she's forgotten I'm in the room. She's talking to herself, justifying her own decision to herself. 'But in the end, feeling her growing inside of me, it disgusted me. I just couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t want to make her life a misery, like my mom made mine. That was a big part of it, witnessing firsthand my mom go through the exact same process. I didn’t want to hate my baby for what her father did to me. Like you said. I thought it would be kinder for her if I just... let her go.’ She trails off into a whisper. I'm alarmed now. The way Olivia is talking it sounds almost as if-

‘Liv, were you raped?’ I ask, gently. I'm concerned, hoping against all hope that the reply is a resolute "no".

Olivia shuts her eyes, and when she opens them, they’re sparkling with tears.

‘I was raped’.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I’m sorry the actual Rolivia relationship didn’t get very far (I was not going to get that finished in time for tomorrow’s episode) I might update with more of the relationship if you want (and probably if you don’t want as well lmao)
> 
> Please comment with any feedback, however horrible it may be. Also, let me know if you'd like more Rolivia fics- I've written lots that I could easily edit and post if you would enjoy that xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Warning~ contains very brief descriptions of forcible rape (but no details) and continues the abortion discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There wasn't any conflicting storyline in last week's episode (although it did make me cry so much and I'm so happy Rollins is keeping her baby!!) so I'm going to continue with this storyline. I know it's implausible and I feel really bad about the whole 'Liv was raped' thing (I feel like no one ever writes fics about that subject, probably for a reason). It actually kind of happened by accident so I just went with it. 
> 
> Some of my actual, real theories are that either Liv never had an abortion and is just going by her own status as an unwanted child of rape, or that it was that boyfriend she mentioned to Casey in the season 5 episode 'intoxicated' (or the one she mentioned to Stabler in the season 1 ep 'wanderlust', but I think they're the same guy?) Liv also did once mention a pregnancy scare in college, so it could be that. What do you guys think? Do you think we'll ever find out? I really hope it wasn't one of those throwaway storylines that never gets picked back up.
> 
> I know the last chapter wasn't very well written, I promise I am working on my style and I might go back and edit it later.
> 
> Without further ado (I really need to work on shortening my intros) here is my next chapter xx

Amanda's POV

'I was raped.' 

I stare in shock at my boss. I have no idea what to say to this revelation. It's completely unexpected, something I never thought that Olivia- the infallible Olivia Benson, seasoned Lieutenant of Special Victims unit- would ever have to admit. My shock gives way to pity, sadness, and respect for the person sat beside me, who has listened to thousands of women recount the worst experiences of their lives, who has counselled them and helped them moved on and found them justice, all whilst having to bury her own experience. I know what that's like. I've been through the very same thing. Having to deal with it alone, the shame and the violation and the pain, alone. Burying it so deep that even you begin to doubt whether or not it happened. Praying to a God you're no longer sure exists that nobody will ever find out, because that would be a violation in and of itself- someone knowing your weakness, your pain, your secret. And all the while half-hoping that someone will come along who you can learn to trust enough with your secret, who cares enough to share your burden. Because it's a lot for one person to carry alone.

‘Olivia,’ I murmur. ‘Tell me.'

Olivia shakes her head. ‘There’s nothing to tell, Amanda. It happened a long time ago. It’s done.’ She moves to get up, but I stop her, gently.

‘Liv.’ I say again. ‘Tell me.’ 

Olivia sighs and shakes her head again. ‘You don’t need to hear this, Amanda.’ Despite the insistence in her tone, I can feel her resolve crumbling.

‘It helps to talk about it, Liv. You know that. Imagine what you’d do if the roles were reversed right now. What you’d say.’ Olivia shifts. 'You know I’m right, Liv. And I’m here. I care about you, I’ll listen. Just tell me what happened.'

‘You don’t need to hear this.’ Olivia repeats. ‘You came to me, asking me for help. Now is not the time for me to burden you with my story. I don’t know why I even mentioned it. It’s irrelevant, and I am over it. I should be focusing on helping you.'

‘You can help away. _After_ we’ve focused on you.’ I rub my hand across my stomach. ‘We can do a trade. You are going to let me help you for once, Olivia Benson. For once in my life, my general hot messiness is going to take a back seat, and you are going to _talk_ to me. Let someone else do the listening for once.Then things can go back to normal and I promise that I will go back to hogging everyone’s attention with my numerous troubles. Trust me, it won’t be much of a strain.'

Olivia laughs, and I know she's thankful for me lightening the tone. ‘I-' she begins. ‘I don’t really know where to start, Amanda. It really hasn’t affected me much. It was traumatic at the time, but now- I mean, I don’t even get flashbacks. If it hadn’t been for the- for the baby, I honestly wouldn’t really even care anymore.’ 

‘Then you shouldn’t have any trouble unburdening your soul.'

Olivia rolls her eyes. ‘God, you are insufferable, Amanda Rollins.’ I just look at her squarely, refusing to let her change the subject. She sighs. ‘I mean, what can I say? I was 17. He was... older. Like in his 40s. He was another English professor at the college my mom taught at, and he got to know her. I think he knew how troubled she was, and- I don’t know. He was helping her, I guess? I don’t really know what the- dynamic- of their relationship was exactly, but my mom did let him get close- probably as close as she ever let any man get, after- you know. He would come around, sometimes, and I guess he took pity on me. He never knew the extent of what my mom put me through, or why, but he knew I was miserable. He taught me things, helped me with my assignments, congratulated me if I did well. He took me places and bought me gifts. I could talk to him. He became like a father to me.’ She snorts, ‘God, the number of guys his age I dated you would not believe. I was the literal definition of daddy-issues. But this guy was different- he didn’t expect a sexual relationship. Or so I thought. Then one night, he told me that I owed him. He wanted sex. I didn’t. I already had a boyfriend who I loved to bits, and he knew that, but he said it didn’t matter.' She takes a deep, shaky breath, then composes herself. She finishes matter-of-factly. 'I told him no. I tried to leave. He grabbed me. I fought back. He was stronger.’ She turns to me. ‘The end.’

'And you never told anyone?’ I ask, quietly. She shrugs.

‘Who was I gonna tell? My mom?’ She snorts. ‘Fat lot of good that would have done. Or my boyfriend? He’d have murdered the bastard, probably. That is if he'd even have believed me. The only other person in my life who I could have confided something like this to was the guy who had just violated me. Who, by the way, never came back. I guess he was embarrassed. He had a good enough reason to be, and God knows I was glad I never had to talk to him again. But he was one of the only people my mom trusted. She got worse after that.’ She looks down at her hands and continues in a small voice. ‘Part of me always blamed myself for that. He helped her so much. I mean- he was her one shot at recovery. If I’d just shut my mouth and- and taken it, she might have sobered up. She might even still be alive today.' She goes quiet. 

‘It's not your fault, Liv.' I murmur. Olivia smiles somewhat sadly and squeezes my hand.

'Thank you Amanda. I realise that now. But at the time, it just made everything so much more complicated, and then the pregnancy-’ She closes her eyes, and when she opens them, they’re full of tears. ‘That is the one thing that still affects me, after I buried the rest of it. The knowledge that I killed my baby. I told everyone it was my boyfriend’s. He was supportive, my mom was surprisingly supportive. They both accepted my decision to-‘ she takes a deep breath, ‘to terminate the pregnancy. I didn’t have many friends. Everyone I cared about thought it was the right decision. I thought it was the right decision. It was only later, much later, that I started to regret it. And I mean, really regret it. There were- there are- days that I wish I would die, so I could be with my baby again. So I could tell her I love her, and that I’m sorry.' Seeing the look in my eyes, she hastily adds, ‘not that I would do anything about it, mind you. I love Noah too much for that. But I just, sometimes- I’ll look at Noah, or he’ll do something funny, or cute, or surprise me out of the blue with some little comment, and I wonder what she would have been like. How she would have grown up. You know, it’s weird. Noah is the light of my life, and I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone more, or having room in my heart for anyone else, but somehow I do. I love my little Amanda.’ She sighs. ‘She’d be 32 now, if I'd let her live. I often wonder what she'd be doing with her life, if I'd just given her a chance. But usually I picture her as a baby. My baby.’ She turns to me, and I can see silent teardrops trickling their way down her cheeks. I don't know what to say, or what to do. How can you reply to something like that?

‘I’m so sorry, Olivia.’ I say, eventually, lamely. I spot a box of tissues on the coffee table, and I reach forward and pass her one, pressing it into her hands. It’s a small gesture, but as I gaze intensely into her huge, tear-filled brown eyes, I can only hope that Olivia understands everything that I want to say but can’t seem to find the words to express. 

‘It’s fine, Amanda.' She smiles in gratitude. 'I’ve accepted that I can’t change the past. But it is possible for me to influence the future. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped the line. I didn’t mean to tell you as much as I did, but my sentiment remains the same.’ She takes my hands and looks intently into my eyes. 'I want you to make the decision that is best for you, and I want you to think about all the possible consequences. If you decide that it would be better for you and Jesse if you went through with the abortion, then have it. I will support you, if you need it. I will be here to talk to, and I will be here defend you against anyone who thinks you made the wrong decision. But if you have your doubts, then I really think that maybe you should consider keeping this baby. I’ll be here for you either way. I just want you to be happy. You and Jesse, you are the only people who matter in this situation. But mostly you. You deserve to be happy, Amanda, and all I want is for you to make the decision that will allow you to be most happy. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?’ I nod. She must notice my troubled expression, because she begins to backtrack. ‘I am so sorry if I have complicated this for you. You just sounded like you needed help, this afternoon in the break room, and I- I don’t know, I just assumed that you-‘ she breaks off. ‘It’s what I would have wanted, someone to talk through the decision with. If I’ve overstepped, then just forget everything I’ve said. I hate people who try and muscle their way in on a mother’s decision and I- I’m sorry if I misread the situation, or-’ I place a hand on Olivia’s arm to stop her.

‘You didn’t misread anything, Liv. I needed this. I need your help. I'm just so confused, I mean I'd never- _never_ normally be contemplating doing this. I don't know what's changed.'

‘You'll figure this one out. You still have time. You’re strong. I know that it’s hard, and I probably haven’t made it any less so. But I know you will make the right decision. You've got to trust your instincts, to an extent, because this is your decision too make, and yours to make alone.’ 

‘I think that’s maybe what I’m most scared of,’ I murmur. 'I’m terrified of having to do this- all of this- alone. Of raising a child, alone. Of worrying about a child, alone. But that shouldn't be a reason to not have it. I raised Jesse alone, and I’ve never even had to think about that. I’m not sure what’s changed...’ I trail off as I come to a realisation. I do know what has changed- I know all too well, and I think I have done for a very long time. But it’s no good reason for me to kill my child. And I know now if I don’t keep this baby, I will regret it for the rest of my life. Resolute, I vocalise my newly reached decision 'I want to have this baby, Olivia. I want to keep it.’  Olivia looks at me, surprised at my sudden declaration.

‘You’re sure?’ She asks. ‘You’re sure that this is what will be best for you?'

'I’m sure. I know why I wanted to get rid of it now. You helped me realise why. And how stupid my reasoning was.’ Olivia squeezes my shoulder.

‘As long as this is what you want.’ She hesitates. ‘Why did you want the abortion, really? Out of curiosity. You don’t have to tell me.’ I flush- it wouldn’t do for Olivia to discover my exact reason- and settle for a half truth.

'I guess I just don’t want to have to do it alone.’ Olivia squeezes my shoulder.

‘You won’t be alone,’ she says, softly. 'You’ve got me. You’ll always have me. No matter what.’ 

‘That means a lot, Olivia.’ I close my eyes and sigh. I should be so grateful, for Olivia’s friendship. Things haven’t always been this good between us and I’m glad that I can finally talk to her, confide in her. And I know I have solid friends in Sonny, and Fin, and even Peter Stone. I have a daughter who I love more than anything in the world, and who loves me right back. I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by people who love and will support me, but somehow I can’t help feeling like there’s a hole- something, or someone, missing from my life. I’ve always been content to be alone, to hookup with strangers or people I only vaguely know when I need sex. I’ve never needed anything more. But increasingly, I’ve come to realise what I really need is the security- the stability, the love- that only one person can bring. I’ve subconsciously been fighting myself and my gathering feelings for so long, terrified of what it might mean for me if I acknowledge them. But now I finally realise the significance of these feelings- I finally realise that they are the real reason I didn’t want to keep this baby. And I finally admit to myself what I’ve been trying to deny for so long. I have a very specific hole in my life, one that only one person can adequately fill. An Olivia Benson-shaped hole. I need more from Olivia than just her friendship. I need her love. The one thing that I don’t think she’ll ever be able to give me.

‘Are you okay Amanda?’ Olivia pulls me from my reverie. I flush, glad that she can’t hear my racing thoughts. 

‘I’m okay,’ I mumble, raising my head to look into Olivia’s wide brown eyes. ‘Thank you.’ I whisper. I allow myself to drink in her presence, her scent, for just a few moments more, basking in her intoxicating closeness. Just a few moments more of exquisite torture, of excruciating pleasure, because although I know I can never act on my need for Olivia’s love, I can allow myself this small comfort. This meagre substitute for what I really need from this woman. Before I can turn away, however, Olivia places one warm, olive hand on my cheek, caressing my cheekbone comfortingly with the soft pad of her thumb. And I react instinctually. It’s no doubt intended as a friendly gesture, a show of compassion for a friend in need, but in this split second, I don't care. I’m entirely unable to stop myself as, heart hammering in my throat, I lean forward and capture Olivia Benson's lips with mine.

   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like that chapter was a bit rambling (dialogue isn't my strong suit, sorry!) And that ending was unexpected, even for me :) Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed! xx
> 
> I'll definitely be posting a chapter 3 for this, probably next Wednesday just before Thursday's episode (there seems to be a pattern emerging). This was only supposed to be a one shot, but it seems to have run away from me! I'm thinking of writing maybe 5- 10 chapters for this fic, depending on where it goes. I'll probably need to up the rating at some point because I think there will have to be some sort of sex scene soon, but that might not happen (just a heads up xxx)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG last week’s episode was so good guys! I cannot wait for the next one.
> 
> I have, like, fully deviated from the plot line now, but I’m just gonna embrace it. I am very much bringing these characters OOC but I am properly committed to this course of action now, sorry not sorry x
> 
> Also I do have a fanfic that I wrote a couple of years ago that I am definitely planning on editing and posting after this one is wrapped up. It is much better focused and I think the characterisation is better, and it does have the benefit that I actually planned it and thought it through lmao, so look forward to that x

Amanda’s POV

For a moment I’m flying. The kiss is everything, all at once- my body and mind are completely and utterly inundated with feeling. My head is spinning, my heart is thundering like an entire racetrack of horses, and my stomach seems to have taken a dive off a steep cliff. My senses are overwhelmed, swirling and whirling in a flurry of sensation, as I press my lips against Olivia’s warm, soft, receiving pair. For a second, one sweet second, I don’t care about any of it- about how wrong this is- because how could something so horribly, devastatingly wrong feel this right? All I can focus on is the woman in front of me- I have no capacity for anything else. My senses cannot cope with the barrage of complex feeling and emotion swirling around in my brain. I can only feel. And it feels good. 

Then, gently, she pulls away, and everything comes flooding back. 

What have I done.

I back away from my boss, tears springing to the surface as I struggle to unpick what has just happened, my brain still punch drunk from the bombardment of sensation I’ve just experienced.

‘Olivia,’ I garble, ‘I am so sorry, Olivia. I am so, so, sorry. I have no idea why I did that. I don’t- I’m so sorry, I just can’t- I didn’t think.’ Olivia reaches for me but I pull back further. Brain still reeling, I do the only thing I can think to do- I run from the room like the little coward I am and take refuge in Liv’s bathroom. Slamming the door behind me, I sink to the floor, kneeling down so I’m slumped against the toilet bowl, using it to hold myself up as I fall apart. Now that I’m here, safe, away from Liv, away from the huge mess I’ve just made for myself, I realise just how stupid and childish I’m being. Running away from Liv isn’t going to make any of this better. Still, I can’t bring myself to face her now, not in this state. I decide to give myself 5 minutes. 5 minutes and I’ll pull myself together and face the mess I’ve created. 5 minutes. 

I need to pull myself together. I can’t pull myself together.

After what must be more like half an hour, there’s a gentle knock on the door. 

‘Amanda, honey, are you okay?’ I don’t respond. I don’t know how to respond. Olivia knocks again.

‘Amanda, honey. Let me in. Please?' 

I’m silent. 

‘I just need to know that you’re okay, Amanda. Don’t make me break down my own bathroom door. I don’t want to get splinters all over my nice carpet.’ 

I sniffle slightly. It’s a weak attempt at humour, but I’m grateful that she’s trying to cheer me up. At least she’s not angry. Or I hope she’s not angry.

‘It’s not locked.’ I mumble. ‘Come in.’ 

Olivia opens the door gently. I feel her presence in the doorway, but she doesn’t come in too far, remaining a safe distance away. I don’t look up. Instead I press my forehead into the porcelain bowl in front of me 

‘I’m sorry, Liv.’ I say simply. 'So sorry. I don’t know what else I can say.'

Olivia chuckles slightly, ‘I really don’t mind, Amanda. I’m flattered, if anything.'

I look at her. ‘I assaulted you, Liv. I- I kissed you, and you didn’t want me to. You’re my boss. I- I mean, I just leaned forward and I  _kissed_ you. And after everything you just told me- after you let me into my home and you helped me and you comforted me. I kissed you. I was so out of line.’ I turn back to the toilet and begin hitting my head against the bowl, hard. I feel so stupid and terrible and selfish, and the pain helps. I want to feel the pain, to know that I’m damaging myself. Because I deserve to be damaged. A pair of gentle hands wrap around my shoulders, and I allow myself to be pulled into Olivia’s embrace. 

‘It’s okay, Amanda,’ she soothes. ‘It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m okay. We’re okay.’ I shake my head into her shoulder. ‘Hey,’ Olivia takes me by the shoulders and looks me in the eye. ‘Look at me, Amanda. Do I look bothered to you? It was just a kiss, Amanda. Just a kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything, honey. I don’t mind. Okay?' She smiles. ‘We don’t ever have to talk about it again, not if you don’t want to.’ She strokes my arm kindly.

’Thank you.’ I look down. ’Thank you for forgiving me.'

Olivia laughs indulgently. ’Why so dramatic? There was nothing to forgive, it was just a kiss. Just a mistake. You know even I’ve done it.’ I look up at her and she smiles widely. ‘Doctor Lindstrom. I kissed him once, after a session. And, oh God, the dreams I've had.' She blushes slightly. 'I don’t really know why, it's not like I'm attracted to him, but at that moment-’ she shrugs. ‘I guess I just felt so vulnerable, exposing myself to him. Like you did with me. It was so embarrassing, for a couple of weeks. But I got over it.’ She smiles again and pokes me playfully in the arm. ’To be honest, I think you might have overreacted. Just a tiny bit.’

‘Just a tiny bit,’ I reply, faintly. ‘I guess it’s the baby. Already messing with my head and it isn’t even born yet, the bastard.' Olivia laughs at my painfully poor attempt at humour and I join in, halfheartedly. Then I stop. Olivia looks me in the eye.

‘What’s wrong, Amanda?’ She asks. ‘It’s not still the kiss? Because I promise you, I don’t mind a bit. I know that it meant nothing.’ I look down. Olivia takes my hand. ‘Tell me what’s wrong,’ she presses. I hesitate. I know I shouldn’t say anything. I should pull my shit together and get on with my life, and leave her none the wiser. Olivia seems to think that this was a mistake, a moment of vulnerability. And I guess it was- I was feeling vulnerable, and lost, and she made me feel so safe- and God knows I would never have up and kissed Olivia under any other circumstance. But it was so much more than that, to me. It meant so much more. And, selfish as I might be being, I need to tell her. I need her to know.

‘Olivia, what if-‘ I take a deep breath, ‘what if I didn’t want it to mean nothing?’ Olivia stiffens slightly beside me. I have no idea what she must be thinking, no idea what I might have done to our working relationship. All I know is that I can’t stop now. I begin to garble. 'What if- I wanted this to mean something? What if - what if I- like- you? What if I want you? What happens then?’ My heart is hammering fit to burst as I finish talking. Olivia is silent for a moment. Then she speaks. Her voice is almost amused, and much warmer than I'm expecting.

‘Well, in that case- if that really is the case?’ She looks at me and I nod numbly. ‘If you really do like me, then-‘ she tilts her head to look at me, and gives me an uncharacteristically playful half smile, ‘I guess we can give this a shot.’ 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed xx  
> Sorry this chapter was a bit short, I’ve had a lot of work with my A levels. To make up for the short update I’m working on another short chapter to post maybe tomorrow or the day after, and I will update properly again next Wednesday, and it’s half term soon so I should have a bit more time xx


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow Thursday’s episode! That last scene between them was everything! My soul has been fed. 
> 
> This is just a short update but I’ll do a proper one on Wednesday xx

Olivia’s POV

'I guess we can give it a shot.'

 

Amanda looks at me, her blue eyes wide with confusion. 

‘What do you mean?’ she asks. I formulate my reply carefully. The last thing I want is to give Amanda any more confusion right now, or pressure her into anything she doesn’t want to do. She’s vulnerable now- more vulnerable than she has allowed herself to be for a long time. If I tell her the whole truth- if I tell her just how much she means to me, just how much she has meant to me ever since the day she walked into the squad room, 7 years ago, she might panic. She might make a decision she regrets, and God knows that the last thing this woman needs in her life right now is more drama. She needs stability and security, what with everything that has happened in her life so far. Then again, she did kiss me. And she didn’t take the opportunity to get out of the situation. Maybe she does want this.

‘Amanda, I enjoyed that kiss. And I enjoy- you’ I say, awkwardly, downplaying how I truly feel. Amanda laughs a little. ‘If you really wanted that kiss to mean something, then- let it. Let it mean something, Amanda, and we can see what happens. I’d like that. If that’s what you truly want.’ Amanda looks at me with a strange expression, and I begin to regret saying anything. I might have made a huge mistake, I might have just destroyed our relationship. Maybe what Amanda needed was a rejection- maybe she needed me to tell her no, to establish a boundary. Maybe I’ve just ruined everything. Then, her expression changes- her face smooths itself into a familiar, confident mask. I know what this means. Amanda Rollins has made up her mind, and now nothing in the universe can compel her to change it. She gives me a half smile.

‘You enjoy me, huh?’ She leans in slightly and raises an eyebrow playfully. I smirk. Playing along, I bite my lip and wink suggestively.

‘Mmm, you bet I do,’ I husk exaggeratedly. Amanda giggles and leans in further. 

‘Well then,’ she smiles, blue eyes twinkling, 'I guess we _can_ give this a shot,’ she breathes, teasingly mirroring my words before capturing my lips a second time with hers. She leans into the kiss, and I bury my hands in her soft golden hair, twisting her closer into me, forcing her lips closer. She groans deep in her throat, and the sound sends an electric current running, burning down my body, down to my very core. I gently brush my teeth against her bottom lip, caressing it gently with the tip of my tongue, and Amanda whines and opens her mouth, eagerly allowing me access. I slip my tongue into her mouth and begin exploring- at first cautiously, but then increasingly more roughly, dominating the younger woman’s mouth, tasting her sweetness. She pulls against me, matching my movements, kissing me back so passionately that I can feel myself soaring, the burning pleasure intensifying all down my body, spreading from somewhere deep in my stomach up to the back of my throat and all the way down to my tingling centre. Eventually, we pull apart, gasping for air, and Amanda smiles at me, eyes dancing. ‘Oh my God,' she pants. ‘Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that.’

I laugh breathlessly. ‘Not as long as I’ve wanted it.’ I stroke her cheek with my hand, and lean in to kiss her again, gently this time. My lips brush against hers, ever so softly, and she brings her hands up to the nape of my neck pulling my head forward so my forehead is resting against hers. 

‘What do we do now?’ She asks, eventually. ‘Where do we go from here? I mean, we’ve crossed a line. And you’re my boss. And you’re beautiful. So beautiful.’ She looks up at me adoringly and I chuckle, and run one hand through her silky hair.

‘We’ll figure something out.’ I murmur. And I bring her lips to mine once more.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again sorry this is so short but hope you enjoy xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I’m finalllly updating skskfdsakdfj. It’s been so long. I’m really sorry about that guys. School’s been really busy and it’s hard to find inspiration to write in between endless essays. This chapter will be a bit bitty because I’ve been dropping it and picking it back up for weeks. Also, this fic was never intended to be longer than a one shot, so it’s very random and unplanned at this point- I have no idea where these characters are going at the moment, and I have two story lines to develop and resolve. I’ve decided to spend all of the free time I have this week on my various projects that I’m working on, including this one.

Olivia’s POV

I pull back gently, reluctantly, and chuckle at Amanda’s frown.

‘What did you do that for?’ She protests, and I kiss her forehead. She's cute when she's disgruntled, I decide.

‘It's been a while, honey. Maybe you should go look after your daughter? As much as I'm sure Carisi would happily stay up all night with her.' I smile, and Amanda’s eyes widen. 

‘Oh God,’ she gasps. She straightens up and pulls out her phone, elbowing me in he nose in her haste to check the time. ‘I’ve been here for 2 hours?’ She begins to panic. ‘But I left Jesse all alone. For two hours. I completely lost track of time, and-' she breaks off, turning to me- 'You must think that I'm such a bad mother, and I'm so sorry. I just- was such a mess and I needed to come and talk to you and then you had your- thing and then one thing led to another and... How could I do that? To my own daughter? And now I expect to bring up this new child. Oh _God_  what am I thinking.’ She buries her head in her hands and groans. 

'Hey.' I say, wrapping one arm around the detctive's shoulders. I can’t help but smile a little at Amanda’s overreaction- her natural tendency to do so no doubt exacerbated by her pregnancy. Honestly, I'd find her breakdown funny if she wasn't so obviously distressed. Nevertheless, I make an effort to calm her down- I have no idea what she might be feeling right now, with everything that's going on for her. Right now, what Amanda needs is my comfort- and if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s comfort. ‘Hey,’ I murmur consolingly, ‘it’s okay, Amanda. You didn't do anything wrong- you were feeling overwhelmed so you made sure Jesse was safe, then you went and got some space, and some help for yourself. Any mother would have done the same. Remember what I said to you about overreacting? Hormones, stress, remember?’ 

‘Right,’ Amanda says, more calmly. ‘Hormones. Stress. Overreacting.’ 

‘That’s right.’ I say again. ‘You can do this. You’re okay.’ I smile at her ‘Right?’ Amanda nods. She sinks her head down into my chest and sighs.

'Thank you, Liv. For understanding. God I’m so stupid sometimes.' I smile indulgently.

'Of course I understand, honey,' I say, with feeling. 'I'll always understand.' There's a pause when we both sit in a comfortable silence. 'Now,' I say, brightly, 'why don’t you go home and look after your daughter?’ Amanda hesitates, and I know what she’s thinking. I lean in close to her ear, and I can feel the muscles in her neck tense. I enjoy this, the effect I have on her. ‘You can always come back later,’ I murmur, and I can feel her breath hitch.

‘Maybe I will,' she breathes. She stays for a moment, close to me, as if she’s stuck in a daydream. Then she appears to come to her senses. Shaking her head, she stands up, and I follow her from my bathroom to my front door. She pauses in my doorway. 'I’ll see you in a bit,' she says, awkwardly, her hand on the door handle. 

‘Amanda,’ I say, and she turns to face me. ‘Make sure you’re okay.’ 

She flashes me a smile as she opens my door and walks away. 

 

* * *

 

After Amanda leaves, I sit down on my sofa and sigh. I’m not sure how to feel about any of this. The reality of my ridiculous situation has just begun to sink in. I’ve just made out with my colleague on my bathroom floor. Worse than that. I've just _initiated a relationship_ with my colleague. With my much-younger, pregnant, _female_ colleague.

_God, I never thought I would be in_ this _situation_.

What I've just done is so unprofessional, and so so wonderful, and so. Not. Me. Amanda Rollins has always brought out a very strange side in me, but this- I can happily say- is a first. I think I'm falling for Amanda Rollins. And I never have any idea what to do. She terrifies me and makes me feel so insecure in myself and yet so safe at the same time, and I never have any idea _what to do with her._ I have no idea how this is going to go. I have no idea what Amanda even wants from me. Suddenly, out of the blue, a relationship with Amanda Rollins is all I want, and I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t want anything- _more_. And I don’t know what I’ll do if she does. I don’t know if any sort of relationship would be any good for Amanda in this mental state.

All I do know is that I have to be the responsible one in this situation, because God knows that Amanda Rollins doesn’t do responsible. What if I have to turn her down, for her own good? Could I ever make that decision? _Should_ I ever make that decision? For once in my life, I don’t know what to do- and if there’s one thing that Olivia Benson always knows, it’s what to do. This is exactly what Amanda Rollins does to me, she takes everything that I am and changes me, she twists me into being someone that I’m not. Not to mention the fact that I’ve just told her my darkest secret. Something I’ve never told anyone before.                             

I don’t know where I go from here. I don’t know where _we_ go from here.

I sigh and sink into the sofa, my hand covering my temples. I love Amanda with all of my heart, but God she is so utterly exhausting. At that moment, Noah runs into the room and leaps onto the sofa beside me.

‘Hello mummy!’ he says. I wrap one arm around him and kiss his cheek.

‘Hello, sweet boy,’ I murmur into his hair, kissing him again.

‘Why are you sad, mummy?’ he asks, bright eyes staring into mine. I chuckle a little at his inconvenient perceptiveness. I don’t want to lie to my son- I’ve always taught Noah to be open about his feelings, and I might as well live by example. I just need a way to explain the complexities of this situation to my 6 year old son. I sigh.

‘I’m not sad, exactly, Noah. I’m more just confused. But I’m actually quite happy. Or- I don’t really know how I feel. Does that make sense?’ Noah looks at me quizzically.

‘You’re _weird_.’ Noah says. Normally at this point, he would have scampered off to do something else- deep, confusing conversations with my son don’t usually last very long- but he stays put. It’s almost like he instinctually knows that I need him. I try again to explain the mess that is in my head in a way that he’ll understand.

'It’s about your Aunt Amanda, Noah.’ I break off, not knowing what to say.

‘Does she make you sad?’ He asks, brow furrowed. ‘But she’s nice, mummy!’ I laugh.

‘No, Noah. Not exactly. She makes me very happy, Noah. Too happy. I want to be with her, and I think she wants to be with me.'

‘So then you can be together!’ he says, triumphantly. I laugh and kiss his head. His simplistic, six-year-old way of looking at life is so adorable. I wish I could still live like like that- blissfully unaware of consequences, just doing what feels right. But then again I’m not 6 years old any more.

‘It’s not so simple, honey.’ I sigh. ‘Aunt Amanda isn’t very well inside her head. And I don’t think that being together would be of any help to her. It might even make her worse. And I don’t want to make her worse, sweetheart.'

‘But you might not make her worse. You might make her better. You’re good at making people better, mummy. Why don’t you be with her and make her happy, and you might make her better.’ I look into Noah’s eyes. He does have a point. Amanda needs stability right now, and so do I. Maybe we need to give each other the chance to save each other. Maybe I need to give her the chance to choose me.

‘You know, honey, I might just do that,’ I smile, and kiss his nose. I remind myself that I should talk to Noah- and I mean really talk- more often. He’s given me a lot to think about. 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

 


End file.
